As I play dead on a beach awash with charity swimmers' goggles
Listening to the sound of the fruit machines on passing ferries
I imagine what it must be like to be a lifeboat volunteer
Putting your life on the line for a fat kid on a Lilo
Called out to sea when the World Cup's on
And even when Columbo is about to reveal the killer
The waves trying to drown them like an unqualified swimming teacher
And the wind testing their professional hair gel.
Sometimes they may ask a fisherman to lend a hand
But if he's being measured up for a new jumper then he'll let them down
And so will the coastguard if it's karaoke night
They just don't have what it takes to be aboard a lifeboat.